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I car-bombed fergie’s london bridge

As I sit here at work, forced to listen to the terrible crap the the raido plays, I was struck by the thought that I have reached my absolute breaking point regarding one song. This song embodies ‘every’ anti-quality a song must possess to tip into the category of ‘most terrifyingly rediculously putrid’.

Rather than outline my reasoning for this opinion, I feel fortunate to have stumbled upon another’s blog who elequantly established my case for me…and so I qoute:

“Much like Lance Armstrong repeatedly bested his own record in the Tour de France, Fergie and the Black Eyed Peas continue to one-up themselves in the category of Worst Song Ever.

Previous record-holder “My Humps,” a Black Eyed Peas “song” with lead vocals by the inimitable Fergie, should have stayed atop the Worst Song junk heap for a long time … but, with innovators such as these loosed upon the world, anything can happen.

In this case, what happened was Fergie’s new song, “London Bridge.”

But maybe we first need to quickly lay out the Worst Song ground rules.

1. The song must be ubiquitous, all over the place, very popular.
2. The song must be catchy but not good catchy; catchy like Avian Bird Flu. Catchy like if you happen to hear it in the morning it’ll be in your goddamn head all day (as the travesty “London Bridge” is now).
3. The song must not merely be annoying or poorly made. (In fact, annoying or poorly made songs usually won’t qualify for Worst Song status, as they’re usually fairly easy to ignore.) Rather, the song must be a real bellwether of our degraded times; narcissistic, product-obsessed, vacuous, empty, wholly consumerist.
4. Extra points if it sounds exactly like another earlier, better song.

“London Bridge” hits all the high points here. Of course, it meets the requirements of No. 1. Already this abortion is showing up everywhere, most notably TRL. Today I am a case study in the fact that the song meets No. 2 I can’t seem to get its inane chorus out of my head.

Skipping to No. 4: it sounds exactly like Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl,” of the summer of 2005. Now, “Hollaback Girl” I thought was a good song. It was catchy and everywhere, true, but I feel like it was a bit subversive and surreal, which redeemed it. The whole “bananas” thing I dunno, I liked it.

But this song, “London Bridge,” phew. I mean, it hits No. 3 to the T. As with “My Humps,” it’s chock-a-block with product placement, the glorification of empty celebrity VIP room bullshit, and so on but, I think, it gets lifted above even “My Humps” due to its embarrassingly lazy “rapping” and awful lyrics.”

Truly beautiful I must say….Die Fergie

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